We had blood clots. These are possibly deeper things, not just the usual surface bleeding you normally get from Chemo. The nurses thought it was clots coming up from the legs, though another source mentioned it could be a deep tear in the bowel region. Considering where the cancer is... well, I'm still refusing to speculate.
Today was the last day of this round of Chemo, and he looks... bad enough I took most of the 21st off.
Yep, I'm backfilling, but putting things in order so people know when it happened. Otherwise this week would mostly happen all at once. And that would suck.
Furthermore, this weekend I have friends descending on my house with care and love and strong backs to help me put a dent in the horrible pile of necessity that has piled up around my dwelling.
So I'm not alone.
I've also talked to the priest, have an appointment scheduled with a social worker, and the sleep doctor proscribed something to help with those tense moments.
Oh, and failing that, there's a sip of whiskey in the evenings to inform my overactive brain that there IS such a thing as slowing down. Most people who actually drink would laugh at the amounts, maybe an ounce or two of good Irish. House certainly wouldn't believe me, but people don't always lie, whatever he says.
I don't consider this a long term solution, but after reading the list of side effects, I think I'd rather be mildly alcoholic than deal with suicidal tendencies on top of all that.
Because cancer still pisses me off so much that giving up is not an option.
I can't promise I won't run myself into the ground with exertion and worry... but self harm is not something I am usually prone to... except when I'm on psychoactive drugs.
But I promise to talk to my doctor, who has been hip deep in my storied medical history for the past five years at least. Based on that, I may see if I can see the shrink (yes, PHD who proscribes psychoactives, for real) who actually took me off of the drugs I was on before, because he knew I didn't need them.
That is the kind of thinking i really trust right now.
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