Sep 16.

We did go to the doctor. The news on progress was not as I'd hoped, but at least we haven't stepped back.
Doctors are not worried about meds, but we are going with the current plan.
The goal is now to get Matt eating again.

Wish me luck.

Also, I'm trying to get onto an actual sleep schedule instead of ... whatever it is I'm doing lately.
I still think I want to send this body with sleep requirement back for a better model.

Unfortunately, I forgot to ask about a pain specialist.  It was not a good day when I was there, so even my extensive notes about what we needed to talk about didn't help much.

Sept 12.

We have turned the corner of our  adventures in delirium. He's sleeping a lot today, and though our conversations are a bit...weird, they aren't "my hovercraft is full of eels" weird.

So I can relax a bit.

Better news, he's talking about improvements and things he wants in his life he hasn't cared about

since... well, for years. So I wonder if that pall of apathy was actually cancer related.

Since this cancer -- as visually insane as it was -- actually started in the lymph node near his groin. That means endocrine involvement, which translates to possible witchcraft.  :-)

In other news, at long last I'm on tranquilizers for sleep purposes.  OMG what a difference. At first things were a little odd symptoms wise, but that seems to be receding. And I suddenly want to write again.  

I actually wrote a thoughtful article on my other blog.

 Will wonders never cease?

I'm still emotionally fragile,  actually more so than I was. Getting sleep means I can feel my emotions again. 

That makes things harder, but... better.  No I can't explain why yet, or even demonstrate it, but it's true anyway. I am starting to actually miss my friends, and going out and doing things. 

But it's going to take more time before I'm ready, I think.

Sept 11.

We take a break, and never forget.

Sept. 10th

So... Matt went in to see the surgeon today.

What I didn't mention is that Matt was having some real interesting issues with reality. We aren't sure if it's opiate withdrawal (the colostomy rod was VERY painful, plus he was having some spasms and pain thanks to the tumor... then the pain stopped, and so Matt stopped taking pain pills rather abruptly). or sleep deprivation (being as how this big painful thing is on the side he would normally sleep on.)  Suffice to say, I didn't get much sleep those nights.

Fortunately, he snapped out of it this morning, when I pointed out the issues with his ideas. He proceeded to be lucid all day today, and made it to the surgeon's and back without incident. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't fraught, either.

 I had to buy him a cane for the trip.

 Fortunately, they make those for tall people, too.

It's cool. It even has a flashlight.

And... our nemesis the rod has been removed. We threw it away today. I'm surprised we didn't have a little ceremony. It's been a very long two weeks. Thank God it's over.

Oh, and I have sleep meds. I should not have told Matt that it can potentially cause hallucinations.  Because sleep is good. And I'm not sure I can sleep normally at this point.

Sept 5.

Today is Matt's birthday. After a rough-ish (but less rough than the past few days)
night, we are doing better.  I got good sleep. And Matt wants to go out for lunch.
This is a very awesome thing.

So after shopping we will see the Big Blue Room, at least long enough to get to our car in the parking lot.  :)

More about today later.

UPDATE:
Well, we didn't leave the house, but much snugglez were had. This is a lot less...touchy feely than one would imagine-- sort of an aggravated holding hands situation. It is precious to spend time together.

 Matt tells me it is exactly what he wanted for his birthday.

Well, that and two adorable stuffed critters.

Vide:

Gray Bear. Now taking applications for names, serious offers only.

Rwolf. Just because.

Sept 4.

Yep, colostomy sucks.  Because you literally tear you a new one.  Now it's playing more two step. We
 thought Matt had a fever. Maybe, maybe not.
We had a late night leakage. Oh joy oh bliss.

The last of the tumor is determined to bleed. And it gives him some unprecedented pain. Just when we thought things were finally going to get better... we take two steps back.

Sorry guys.

This followed by a multi-hour session with the home care nurse. Fortunately, she is not only awesome but has lots of ideas and basically taped him up to the point I doubt anything is going to leak any time soon.

Unless we happen to be unlucky.

On a personal note, I keep wondering why all these recommended ways to relax involve such strenuous activity. Like... leaving the house. and light exercise.  Personally I want to learn how to use every ounce of free time to sleep.

          But then I'd get lonely and go insane.