Sept 12.

We have turned the corner of our  adventures in delirium. He's sleeping a lot today, and though our conversations are a bit...weird, they aren't "my hovercraft is full of eels" weird.

So I can relax a bit.

Better news, he's talking about improvements and things he wants in his life he hasn't cared about

since... well, for years. So I wonder if that pall of apathy was actually cancer related.

Since this cancer -- as visually insane as it was -- actually started in the lymph node near his groin. That means endocrine involvement, which translates to possible witchcraft.  :-)

In other news, at long last I'm on tranquilizers for sleep purposes.  OMG what a difference. At first things were a little odd symptoms wise, but that seems to be receding. And I suddenly want to write again.  

I actually wrote a thoughtful article on my other blog.

 Will wonders never cease?

I'm still emotionally fragile,  actually more so than I was. Getting sleep means I can feel my emotions again. 

That makes things harder, but... better.  No I can't explain why yet, or even demonstrate it, but it's true anyway. I am starting to actually miss my friends, and going out and doing things. 

But it's going to take more time before I'm ready, I think.

Sept 11.

We take a break, and never forget.

Sept. 10th

So... Matt went in to see the surgeon today.

What I didn't mention is that Matt was having some real interesting issues with reality. We aren't sure if it's opiate withdrawal (the colostomy rod was VERY painful, plus he was having some spasms and pain thanks to the tumor... then the pain stopped, and so Matt stopped taking pain pills rather abruptly). or sleep deprivation (being as how this big painful thing is on the side he would normally sleep on.)  Suffice to say, I didn't get much sleep those nights.

Fortunately, he snapped out of it this morning, when I pointed out the issues with his ideas. He proceeded to be lucid all day today, and made it to the surgeon's and back without incident. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't fraught, either.

 I had to buy him a cane for the trip.

 Fortunately, they make those for tall people, too.

It's cool. It even has a flashlight.

And... our nemesis the rod has been removed. We threw it away today. I'm surprised we didn't have a little ceremony. It's been a very long two weeks. Thank God it's over.

Oh, and I have sleep meds. I should not have told Matt that it can potentially cause hallucinations.  Because sleep is good. And I'm not sure I can sleep normally at this point.

Sept 5.

Today is Matt's birthday. After a rough-ish (but less rough than the past few days)
night, we are doing better.  I got good sleep. And Matt wants to go out for lunch.
This is a very awesome thing.

So after shopping we will see the Big Blue Room, at least long enough to get to our car in the parking lot.  :)

More about today later.

UPDATE:
Well, we didn't leave the house, but much snugglez were had. This is a lot less...touchy feely than one would imagine-- sort of an aggravated holding hands situation. It is precious to spend time together.

 Matt tells me it is exactly what he wanted for his birthday.

Well, that and two adorable stuffed critters.

Vide:

Gray Bear. Now taking applications for names, serious offers only.

Rwolf. Just because.

Sept 4.

Yep, colostomy sucks.  Because you literally tear you a new one.  Now it's playing more two step. We
 thought Matt had a fever. Maybe, maybe not.
We had a late night leakage. Oh joy oh bliss.

The last of the tumor is determined to bleed. And it gives him some unprecedented pain. Just when we thought things were finally going to get better... we take two steps back.

Sorry guys.

This followed by a multi-hour session with the home care nurse. Fortunately, she is not only awesome but has lots of ideas and basically taped him up to the point I doubt anything is going to leak any time soon.

Unless we happen to be unlucky.

On a personal note, I keep wondering why all these recommended ways to relax involve such strenuous activity. Like... leaving the house. and light exercise.  Personally I want to learn how to use every ounce of free time to sleep.

          But then I'd get lonely and go insane.

The Next Chapter

Okay.
I haven't updated for a while.
In part because we were in that waiting holding pattern. But we got cut short two weeks early.
Matt had some serious bowel trouble, so they installed a colostomy. That happened, about a week ago Friday. He's been in the hospital, and coming back to speed very slowly. He's in a lot of pain.

But for some reason the hospital really, really wants to get rid of him.  Matt is convinced it's all about insurance... which seems off because our other hospital was not in a hurry when we had all this bleeding and cancer stuff.  Matt is a paying customer, so... reasons?

Friends inside the biz tell me it's not so much because of insurance, but because SARS is a thing.
And hospitals are dirty. And colostomy patients have bits of their insides on the outside... more or less.
And that bag is only mils thick when you think about it.  I certainly don't want to, and I'm sorry you have to.

And because I was having... emotional difficulty, I only had one day to prepare the house to get him back.
I've been a nervous wreck merely over the idea of having strangers in my house.  Matt doesn't mind, so it shouldn't matter...

But I decided the only way to deal with it was to really clean the bedroom. I mean, really. Not merely make the rest of the house functional, but really do a job on it.  I can do the kitchen later. It's not like Matt will be spending most of his time there.

In two weeks we'll be having a Real Appointment TM with the oncologist. That's when we schedule the PET scan and find out exactly how much progress we've made.

Thanks for paying attention.  I keep saying this but I will really try to update more often.

August 16.

Waiting.
We now have two weeks until we do the big evaluation.
Matt is working again. He is also sleeping a lot, and having some incontinence issues which makes dressing changes... interesting. He is also having longer lucid periods that make it possible to work well. I'm glad the doctor let him, if a little surprised it's actually happening.

Doc says that healing is proceeding a pace. We still can't tell if the cancer is thoroughly licked yet,
but there is nothing to say yet that it won't be. We should be seeing some serious progress in the next two weeks. He said it was over 90% gone.  But the last part is the root of the thing, and that is a bit of a different animal. he didn't say it, but the implication was there.

IF there are some healing issues with various challenges at this point, we may have to do some things that
 kind of freak  me out. Ostomy.  The c word. Yeah, not happy with that idea, though as a temporary measure I could deal. Oh, who am I kidding. If he needed one for the rest of his life, I could deal with that.
It would be hard, but I would deal.  But I can't say I'd look forward to it.

Because dad had one before he died. And yes, I have dad issues. I'm sure that doesn't make me special.

Things are so nebulous and uncertain that it's hard to blog about it.

I have some very good friends who cheer me up, and talk to me when I'm crazy.  They have really helped me out. You know who you are, and I love you guys. I'm serious. After this we may as well reboot civilization together. You can handle it, I'm sure.

At some point, when I'm not super tired, I will regale you with the tale of my four hour visit to the
wound clinic.  Wonderful people, severely understaffed. I wonder if there was a game that day, and only the dedicated punched in.

This has been your update. Fare well, and good night.